Yesterday I wrote about my work putting together classroom libraries. And many of you wrote saying things such as, "Seriously, woman, what the heck are you doing these days??" Perhaps not in those words, but I hear you loud and clear. I have been a bit vague on that front.
I'm vague because it's hard.
I find change to be difficult. Overwhelming. Holy-shit-I-have-to-make-a-list-right-now-before-I-have-a-full-blown-panic-attack hard. Okay, maybe not change itself, but the transition part that comes in between. That is what sends me into a tizzy. (Can you tell I'm desperately trying to clean up my language? A resolution I may soon abandon.)
I wrote about leaving the classroom and how devastating it was to realize that I wouldn't have a group of friends smiling at me every morning and really, without that, a huge chunk of who I am felt like it was just gone. (And for what it's worth, I received an overwhelming amount of support from all of you that I can never thank you enough for.)
Last year I threw myself into finishing my dissertation, writing, staying up to date on education news and ripping it to shreds on the blog, thinking about what the heck I was going to do next and, oh right. And having a baby.
So. Many. Transitions.
Right before Mini Mimi came along, I was given the fabulous opportunity to work with an amazing group of people as a literacy consultant. I get to think about curriculum, see a million different classrooms, build relationships with teachers who are excited about growing, work with children who are excited about their learning and think with a group of women who I have grown to admire and aspire to.
Pretty sweet, right?
But, oh! The transitioning! Learning how to balance being a mommy, figuring out a new job, finishing up the old dissertation (yes, it is still lurking), finding time to blog, and every once in a while have time for myself or Mr. Mimi has rocked my high heeled wearing self to my very core.
So much re-prioritizing, so much transitioning, so much list making.
I am feeling much more like myself these days. (Um, only took me what? FIVE MONTHS to get my shit together?) But there are always days when I feel so scattered and pulled in a million directions that I'd like to take Mini Mimi and just lay down.
Now it's less about transitioning into a set of new roles and more about transitioning from role to role during the course of a week. Leaving Mini Mimi to go to a school makes me feel physically ill. Like someone cut my leg off or something. I spend the entire drive trying to talk myself off the ledge and psych myself up for the day - because if I'm going to be away from her, I've got to make it count, right?
Then I get to the school, jump in and find myself actively thinking how lucky I am. I love my work. It's challenging, yes (Cut to me putting Band Aids on my ten ho-jillion paper cuts after endlessly dotting book after book after book...I know, I'm still trying to get over it). But I am so engaged in my work that when it's time to go, I find the transition just as difficult. I spend the drive home with my mind racing about next steps, what I need to get done after bedtime and trying to transition back into being mommy.
And yesterday, I realized. It's not all the change. It's the transition that's hard. The in between time when I have to leave one thing I leave to dive in with something else that I love but feels so very different and comes with a whole new set of demands and challenges.
Are all you parents out there just shaking your heads and thinking, "We told you this would happen?"
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Time to take off my Mrs. Mimi hat and put on my mommy hat.
(Again, what's with me and the hat references?)
Let's try this - off to take off Mrs. Mimi's fabulous heels and rock my mommy flats. (Yea, I said flats. I know, change is hard.)