Is your school office the most chaotic, loud, semi-unprofessional space in the building?? Seriously, in the middle of the day, it’s a calm, air-conditioned utopia…free of crying children, without constant interruptions and there are no small puddles of pee in the corner. But after school, after school my friends, it is like that place explodes into a frenzy of everything awful about the education system. Angry parents, confused children, lost lunch boxes, ringing phones…AAAAAAA!!!! Sometimes, at the height of the pandemonium, there will be free pastries or chocolates on the office counter. On those days, it’s swim-at-your-own-risk-no-life-guard-on-duty nuts!! People I’ve never seen before shove their way past the mailboxes and make their way back out with pockets bulging.
Today there were free brownies. That’s right, free…
Unfortunately, I HAD to get to my mailbox. So, I threw some elbows and made my way inside. I was almost out of there when I heard one of the secretaries calling my name.
“Mrs. Mimi, you have a phone call.”
At that moment, two other secretaries and a school aide also started yelling at me about the phone call…yeah, I don’t get that one either. Long story short, there was lots of yelling and it was at me.
I get to the phone and it was the Cambridge Who’s Who of Education. Have you heard of this operation?? My apologies in advance to anyone who already belongs or aspires to belong because I am about to rip this whole operation a new one.
After telling me that I have been nominated for a prestigious place in their most recent publication, a very lovely woman begins to interview in order to sketch a quick biography of my career. She pumps me full of compliments and sweet nothings…it was like she was hitting on me or something.
Then she tells me that they’re going to send me a plaque…all fancy with my middle name all spelled out and everything. I’m practically decorating my future office in the still-to-be-determined college I plan on working for. I think a light grayish blue might look great with some off white, chocolatey brown and gold accents might be fabulous.
Then she tells me that I am going to receive two round trip air fare tickets to anywhere in the U.S….even Hawaii. Um, I heart Hawaii.
I’m all “What the deuce? Is this for real? Because my day kind of blew and this would totally turn it around.”
Lady on the phone: Ok Mrs. Mimi, we are so impressed with your success that we want to get a bio out to you a.s.a.p. for your approval.
Me: Super, I’m so flattered.
Lady: Great, so I just need to start with your expiration date.
Me: Huh? (Yes, it was just that articulate.)
Lady: We accept American Express, Mastercard, Visa…
Me: Hold on, I have to pay you something because I won an award?
Lady: Most members choose the platinum option which is a lifetime membership for just $799 right now and three subsequent payments of $129 each.
Lady: Or, you can be a gold member (hee hee) for a one-time payment of $599 and three subsequent payments of $129 each.
Me: I’m sorry…I…
Lady: And we’ll get you a password and get you started networking right away.
Me: Hold on…
Lady: I wouldn’t want you to miss out on this great opportunity…you’re so accomplished!
Me: STOP TALKING!!!!
Already long story made slightly longer…I declined. No trip to Hawaii. No shiny plaque. No prestigious accolades. Just the feeling that I need to shower.